


The Moment I  Said It

by orphan_account



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy Blake misses Murphy, Bellamy needs a hug, M/M, Past sexual relationship, Realizing shit, Sad Bellamy, Sorta season 3, Where's murphy??, idk how to tag, im new here okay, so does murphy, they all do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 09:37:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10554114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After being "friends with benefits" since the drop ship crashed, Bellamy has finally come to terms with his feelings about Murphy. But, since Murphy is on his quest to find the City of Light with a rather insane Chancellor, Murphy isn't around to hear Bellamy say those three words, even though Murphy has been dying to hear them for what feels like forever.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've written fanfic before, but have never had the guts to post it! I'm lazy so this isn't proof read, apologies for mistakes. Please excuse the shit writing, I'm not very good but I like writing stories. Enjoy!!

Ever since the drop ship. Ever since Bellamy was crowned king and Murphy his second. Ever since their eyes first connected, ever since their breaths fell into harmony, becoming one. Ever since they snuck off most nights, finding a secluded place to call their own and do as they pleased. Ever since once in that place, they made love. Ever since afterwards, when they'd fall asleep together, Murphy's head always resting softly on Bellamy's chest. Ever since their lips first connected. Ever since Murphy called out in pleasure and sometimes in pain. Ever since they met. That's how long Murphy knew he loved Bellamy. 

Their "strictly physical" relationship ended after Murphy left for The City of Light, abandoning Bellamy. Whilst Murphy was gone, Bellamy always told himself that the pain in his chest, the longing he felt was just because he's gone forever without sex. But, deep down he knew that wasn't it. He longed for the company, the silent cuddles and the deep conversations they shared when it was only the two of them. When the outside world did not exist. Grounders didn't exist. The Mountain Men didn't exist either. Hell, even the Ark and all it's people didn't. When they lay together, arms around each other, it was just them and the world. Them and earth. 

Bellamy always attempted to convince himself Murphy was just a good lay, someone to pass time with. But, Murphy never felt the same way. Murphy never thought of Bellamy as just sex. He wanted Bellamy to whisper those three words and mean it. He wanted him to hold his hand in public and become his actual boyfriend. He always wanted more from the older man and deep down, he knew he was never going to get it. 

Sometimes, when things became too much, Murphy tried desperately to distance himself from Bellamy. Murphy avoided him at Camp, only speaking when necessary. He made sure they were hardly ever alone together, not until Bellamy would corner him and then they would resort back to square one, not so mindless shagging. Murphy was desperate to let his feelings drown. Hoping that if he stayed far enough from Bellamy, they would become silent and fade away. But, as hard as he tried, they never did. The feelings never went away, and Murphy hated himself for that.

Murphy was positive that the moment they left their haven, left each other, that all traces of his name, touch, smell and voice left Bellamy's head. Murphy assumed that Bellamy never thought about him when they weren't together, never longed for him and never looked forward to the next time they'd be alone together. Murphy assumed all this because no one had ever done any of those things. Not for years. No one, apart from Mbege maybe, enjoyed spending time with him. No one wanted to hear his thoughts and opinions on things. But, boy was Murphy wrong.  
Because, for Bellamy, the only thing he ever thought about was the younger boy. 

Murphy played on a loop inside Bellamy's head. His naked body, his smile, his laugh, his voice, the way he smelt. It was just Murphy, all hours of the day. Of course, it was never like this at the start. When they first landed and the hard months after that, he only ever did consider Murphy as someone he fucked, and someone he got fucked by. But, as time went on, Bellamy's thoughts on the boy changed. They had been through so much together and it changed the both of them. 

Despite both of the boys feelings for the other, they never spoke to each other about being more than what they were. They both were so incredibly stubborn. If they had talked it out, discussed what they actually were and how they actually felt, all of this would've been resolved a long long time ago. But, it didn't. Bellamy and Murphy were the definition of skinny love. 

*** 

Bellamy was seated at a table in Arkadia. Clarke, Raven and Monty seated with him, all rambling about god knows what, Bellamy wasn't listening. He was fidgeting with the various nuts and berries set out before them, roughly picking them apart and discarding them on the ground below him. Once again, he was wondering when Murphy would be home. Home with him. Where he should be. (So cheesy, very sorry.)

It had been such a long time since he'd last seen Murphy and he missed him like crazy. It had only been a few days since he'd shot up in a cold sweat after experiencing a rather confronting dream. In a sense, the dream was a wake up call. It was screaming at him, dead in the face. "Bellamy!! You love Murphy!" He had been shocked of course. He had paced around his room for half an hour, trying to convince himself that he had not just dreamt about Murphy and him together. 

The dream wasn't sexual, which is what had scared him. It was just him and Murphy, cuddling and laughing at something stupid Bellamy had said. Bellamy had laid a kiss on Murphy's forehead and he had watched Murphy fall asleep, like he used to. Half way through the pacing, he just stopped and accepted it. He loved him. He loved him. He loved Murphy. Bellamy Blake was in love with John Murphy. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops but instead, he kept it hidden. He had no clue about what use this would come of him. Murphy might never return home and he'll never be able to tell him how much he really means to him.

Then it hit him. He might never see Murphy again. He could be dead for all Bellamy knew. The thought of that being reality made Bellamy sick and it burned in his mind for hours, days. So, as he sat with his friends, it went through his head again and again. Bellamy was so caught up in his thought that when Clarke tried to talk to him, he didn't even register it. She ended up having to throw a nut at him to get him to snap out of it.

"Bellamy, are you okay? Where did you just go?" She asked, generally worried. Raven and Monty made eye contact and shared a weird look while Clarke tried to figure out what was wrong with Bellamy. 

He snapped out of it completely, adjusting is position and placing the berry he was attacking down on the table, brush his hands on his jacket and facing Clarke. 

"I'm fine," he coughed awkwardly, before getting up and leaving the table. Bellamy didn't want to hear any more of their dull conversation. He ignored Clarke calling out for him and Monty and Raven's raised eyebrows and judging looks. Bellamy was so angry these days, he had this constant frustration. It was an itch that he just couldn't scratch. It was driving him insane. He stormed off to his room, slamming the door. 

All he wanted to do was sleep. Curl up in a ball and forget the world. Maybe even forget Murphy. Sometimes, Bellamy wondered about what his life would be like if he had never began a relationship (if you can even call it that) with Murphy. He wondered what his life would be like if he never even met Murphy. If their eyes never connected. If they had never hushed a word to one another. If all memories of Murphy were erased, would it be a blessing or a curse? 

Would he feel empty? Or would he feel like he was completed, whole. Right now, he didn't feel either. He wasn't empty, just numb. The weight of the world was weighing Bellamy down. He longed for a hand to reach out and pull him up. He wished for that hand to be Murphy's. 

Bellamy threw himself onto his bed. He shut his eyes, desperately trying to fall asleep. He normally dreamt of Murphy. The dream was different every time. But, they were always together, always happy. Bellamy found himself feeling the days dragging on, he was counting down the minutes until he could fall asleep, just so he could be with Murphy again, if only for a second.


End file.
